Dr. Elidé Beltram, Ph. D.
“Go cook an egg,” is the French version of “go take a walk,” both a crude way to be rid of a person. Resentments from misunderstanding or misinformation cause rifts for family members, friends, and associates. Imagine listening to a chamber orchestra that is playing the wrong score, with the wrong instruments, in the wrong key, with a conductor that does not keep the beat. It would be chaos, discordance, and separation.
I have developed a technique to train your ear, and sensitivity that helps people comprehend how they hear information differently, and interpret differently. It’s called a Sound Walk. It is a map of what one hears. I prescribe a weekly sound walk for friends and family. This also works in the corporate world. I led such a sound walk at the World Forum for Acoustic Ecology inCanada, and everybody was amazed at how we all hear and listen differently.
Practice this once a week and you will begin to understand that resentment, disagreements come from our deep self, our genetic mapping. The sound walk requires at least two people. You will need some pencils and notepads. You and your family can do the sound walk outside, or in a living room, or in a place that is not too noisy. Assign a leader to call “stop” and “go to next position.” All the sound walkers will have to
write ahead of time on their worksheet the following:
First Stop – sound heard ____
(Walk to second position)
Second Stop – sound heard ____
(Walk to third position etc)
Each person starts walking silently and slowly, in a row or side by side. The leader stops the group every half a minute or so and people will write down what they heard. This is a meditation. Make sure you listen to all sounds near and far from you and take your time. When everybody is finished, the leader directs the group to second position.
I suggest you do a dry run first so that everybody understands the basics and then the sound walk will run smoothly for at least 10 minutes. Children may join as long as they can be silent and be able to write. You’ll be amazed how many sounds you have heard and how different they are from other listeners.
With this exercise, you’ll gain great respect for misunderstandings, next time you have a conflict instead of confronting and accusing, be open to reviewing what each person heard, and how they have interpreted what you said.
An easy way to clearly understand each other after a conflict is for a couple to sit in front of each other where each one takes turn saying in a SHORT phrase how she/he sees and feels about a situation while the other person listens without interrupting. When the first person is finished, the second person repeats exactly what he or she heard, asking the questions, “Did I hear you right? Tell me more.” When the first person is finished, the partner will proceed the same way.
Here is an example starting with the first person:
“When you don’t help me with the dishes it makes me angry.”
The partner repeats:
“You said that when I don’t help you with the dishes it makes you angry…..did I hear you right? Tell me more”
First person:
“When I … Etc.
Remember to keep the phrase short so that the partner can easily remember and repeat it. Never interrupt, never interpret, just listen, and repeat back verbatim. If a partner does not repeat back to his or her partner, the exact phrase, the first person, will have to repeat the phrase again without interrupting the flow.
Here is a quote I coined, “We feel loved when we are being heard.”
On a side note, you can’t imagine the sounds that I heard inMongolia, on my sound walks there. If you would like to hear more of what I heard and explored there, pick up a copy of my book The Memory of Vinegar and Oil: Origins Unified.
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The Memory of Vinegar and Oil: Origins Unified 